August 5, 2008

Second dates, first decisions

A friend and I were g-chatting about second dates the other day. How they differ from first dates. What our mind sets are going in. We may or may not both have one soon, so the topic was whether or not we go into them with a certain agenda – a certain goal in mind, hypothetically speaking.

I said my agenda was to make the person like me more slash still. He laughed twice and agreed it was a valid objective, but he was more referring to what, after session one, we’re most trying to figure out via session two.

I said it’s whether or not we want a session three. He laughed, just once this time, and said, right, of course, but what are we looking for to help figure that out? How are we gathering whatever evidence we’ve decided we need?

I said I was sort of serious about the third date thing – that the desire represented whether or not we thought it was going anywhere. Going anywhere, of course, having two meanings. One – we date in a direction aimed toward eventual relationship status. And the other - we “date” because it’s fun to go to dinner and we want to hook up.

True – he admitted – but if, hypothetically, you’re going to play this one straight –meaning put effort into determining enough compatibility to take this somewhere real - then how do you go about using date two as a forum to figure it out?

I said how does “one” and how do “I” are two different questions. This time he just did one of those half-laughs, so I cut the crap.

If a second date is a second interview then what set of information are we hoping to acquire to help us make whatever decision we’re looking to make? In the case of both my friend and me - hypothetically – it’s whether there’s really something there or not.

People usually say, “it’s just a feeling” or “I can sense we won’t be a good fit.” False.

It’s very specific things you find out by asking calculated questions. The person’s answers end up out of or in line with what you were hoping for in this / any person. You love going to see live music in the East Village. You bring this up by mentioning that you’re excited about this upcoming show at this place you love to go. Has he heard of the group? Has she been to that place? It’s not as callous as, he knows them he’s in or she loves it there, go for date three. The person can still have an interest in your interests – even if they aren’t traditionally inclined toward a group called The Clap at a bar called Plan B. It is a process known colloquially as “getting to know someone” but, when applied to the dating arena, becomes the most difficult thing we’ve ever had to do. No sarcasm. I’m serious.

Maybe it’s that the confusion has nothing to do with the person you’re seeing a second time. If it’s a game of detective – asking questions to find evidence that points in a certain direction – you have to at least know what direction it should be pointing. You have to known what it is you’re looking for. Then you can focus conversation around those things you want to find to see how well poor Second Date fits. It’s the same approach you’d take to figuring out if a new job is right for you, but more subtle and way-less focused on how much money the person has to offer, hopefully. 

“I guess I have to figure out what I want then,” my friend said.

Yes - an inconvenient step one. This is not chicken or egg. It’s seed then plant. You have to know the goal is cherries in order to find the right kind of seeds. (Thank you Poppop).

We like to blame much of our dating woes (or lack thereof) on the people we’re dating (or not). It fits in nicely with our general avoidance of all issues we don’t want to deal with. But as our enemy Logic has it, if we don’t know what we’re after it’s hard to know why a person doesn’t fit it. It’s like trying to fit a square peg into a hole that’s changing shapes every five second. You might happen to hit it right, but you’ll probably just get annoyed as shit and break the square peg. Then it will likely stop buying you dinner and tell it’s friends you’re very strange.

Moral of the story. Go with my gut. Just focus on trying to make the person like you more slash still. It’s a lot easier and has just a good a chance of getting you where you maybe want to go.
(Thanks for the material D)

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You may or may not be familiar with Tucker Max

The blogger turned author turned screenplay writer whose book I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell recently hit The New York Times best-seller list and is on its way into film production. Here is the intro to his blog:

“My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole.
I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead. But, I do contribute to humanity in one very important way. I share my adventures with the world.”
I think that speaks for itself.

Tucker Max started with a simple blog about the “crazy” shit he does drunk/always. The “crazy” is because it’s not actually crazy. He pounds beers, treats girls like shit, is a dick to his friends and sometimes, on particularly “crazy” nights, gets arrested. It’s stuff like - one time I black-out shit the bed but had the genius to convince the girl I banged that she black-out shit the bed because she’s a fat ‘ho who’s totally busted anyway and it was hysterical and I can’t even believe I get away with this shit but whatever girls are dumb. And then the next night…” Draw that sentence out for a chapter and you’ve got the book. Add actors acting it out and you’ve got the movie. See – “crazy”.

A lot of people are very worked up about Tucker Max. Some number larger than the voting population of most US states reads his blog and bought his book, but about half those people still hate him and everything he “stands for” (I’d say you can’t stand for being a douche, but evidence would suggest I’m wrong). Sort of like all train-wreck reality shows – the worse it is, the more people watch. It’s not revolutionary. It’s American. Calm down and stop talking about it; it will run its course.

I’ve read some of his shit (note lack of parentheses). It’s Howard Stern in blog format except all the guests are Tucker Max. Blatant, crass, insulting to women, insulting to men, and alcohol infused. My Mom would say, “ugh why do people want to hear that?!” It’s simple: it makes us feel good to know that people are dumber than us, and we find humor in watching/hearing about other people suffer. No Comm. research paper necessary.

Embedded in the writings of Tucker Max are a few not-poignant, non-theses. Call them themes:

  1. The more of an asshole you are, the more girls want you
  2. Being drunk is wonderful and an amazing excuse for almost all things
  3. The shit I do drunk is really entertaining
  4. People are dumb

I have to agree with points 2 and 4, but only if you insert drunk before people on 4. I have to ignore point 1 because it makes me angry. Point 3 is open to interpretation. I say no. The New York Times says yes.

I don’t think Tucker Max and I would get along. I laughed reading some of his stuff, but I’m still not a fan of his “work”. As Michael put it – “his blog is like the antithesis to yours.” I’m not sure there’s an antithesis to something without a thesis, but if what I’ve been writing can be considered opposite to him, that’s just as good.

But in reaction to the Tucker Max situation that everyone from Michael Ian Black to Gawker.com is reacting to I do have three thoughts:

Tucker Max is a very smart

People were writing and people were being complete assholes, but people were not writing about being complete assholes and then marketing that writing for our enjoyment. Maybe they were thinking about it, but then they all got to that point where they thought, “what if my grandmother reads this?” and moved on to other stuff. It bears mentioning that Tux went to Blair Academy in Manhattan then got a B.A. from The University of Chicago and law degree from Duke. Why doesn’t he use that obvious intelligence to write intelligent things or practice law? Because smart and decent are two very different things. He saw a hole in the market and he filled it, quickly. Maybe he’s also an orphan or working under a false identity, but someone raised him to come up with this idea so chances are they exist and weren’t ministers. Botton line – he called morality’s bluff and made a shit load of money on it. He also founded a small media company called Rudius to help others do the same figuring if we’ll read one blog about a drunk asshole we’ll read ten. I’m sorry for us, but that’s genius. Gross, but genius.

Tucker Max is fucked for life

Rich, yes. And likely set in terms of future book and movie deals. But no amount of “I was just kidding” is going to land him a great girl. People will worship him but they will be assholes. Girls will date him, but only to figure out if he’s actually for real. His fifteen minutes may last for an hour if he can come up with enough material, but the Fresh Prince to Ali transition has only been done once. Maybe Tux would say, “Whatever. I don’t need a great girl, I don’t care who worships me, I’m in it for the money, and I’ll just take the 15 if it means I can get out there and have my crazy stories read by people who know how to have a good time.” Valid. Sad as shit, but valid.

One’s opinion of Tucker Max is the new, single greatest indication of their overall personality

So adjust the first meeting question string. It should now go, “So, what do you do? Oh cool, and where do you live now? Nice, fun area. When did you graduate college? Phew, okay great. And hey, have you heard of this douche Tucker Max?”


Look on the bright side. Now that he’s done it, it’s been done, so people probably won’t be dumb enough to just copy it into a million different versions.

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